Hi, we recognise that the best medicine at all times is the time taken to have a laugh and smile, we hope that you enjoy our selection of jokes.
“NOT ALL OLD FOLK ARE AS DAFT AS THEY LOOK OR SOUND”
The Duck and the Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa, New Zealand.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." (I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Irish Speedos - a bit of fun!
SPEEDOS
Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
They're years outta style. You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized spud down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate.... you'll have all the babes ya want!'
The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!
So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?''
Said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate. ..........The spud goes in the front!'
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Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After a while, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’
The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’
The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’
The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’
The first one responds, ‘So am I!’
‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’
The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’
The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’
The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’
The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’
The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’
The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’
About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’
Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’
‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’
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A sign in the window saying "HELP WANTED - Must be a good typist and have good computer skills. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised to say the least to see a canine applicant.
However, the dog looked determined so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page with his mouth and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair wagging his tail.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whomever I hire must have computer skills."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample Excel spreadsheet and Access database, retouched a picture with Photoshop, then presented them all to the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."
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Well done the All Blacks!!
Now for our first joke:
With rugby world cup on the horizon, I thought you might all enjoy this
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
If you don't laugh
At this one, then you've got a terrible sense of humour !!!!!!!!